I've got to get moving. I had planned to start my day off at the gym and I still will. Instead of starting work at 8:00 am, I have a doctor's appt at 9:00 am. So I can go a little later. Otherwise, this would be the time I would be heading out the door.

I met with a personal trainer on Saturday. We came up with a schedule for the next 2 months, at which time I will meet with her again to see if I have made any progress. Here is the schedule:

Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Yoga/ Strength training
Wednesday: Cardio
Thursday: Strength Training
Friday: Cardio
Saturday: Yoga
Sunday: Day off or whatever I want to do

My plan is to go to the gym Monday to Friday between 6:00 am and 7:00 am Monday to Friday. Before something becomes a reality, it has to be envisioned. First the blue print, then the materialization.

I have a busy day ahead of me so I had better get moving. Time to prepare my healthy lunch. I have having a blueberry bran muffin with strawberry cream cheese, some almonds, some grapes, some applesauce, some chicken vegetable rice soup, some cucumbers and carrots and then I will come home and figure out what to make for supper. Yum yum.

I am feeling pretty good this morning and not feeling pessimistic at all. Why I have a particular outlook on a given day is a mystery to me but I will take feelings of positivity any time.

I watched the Biggest Loser last night and one of the lessons was that it takes a certain level of self-esteem to make the effort to lose weight. One has to think he is worth it to make the changes necessary. It is a commitment of time, energy and even money. It involves making your health paramount over other concerns realizing that taking care of your health will provide extra energy that can be directed to relationships and other endeavors. I don't think I have 4 hours a day to spend at the gym though. I have a consultation with a personal trainer on Saturday that I am looking forward to. Maybe that will give me the motivation that I need. Payday is tomorrow and I am going to put aside some money for yoga and I am going to print up the grocery list from the Biggest Loser Club and go shopping. I am going to buy food and cook and plan meals and exercise. I mean it this time. If I can quit smoking, I can do anything. Yes!

I am filled with a lot of anxiety this morning. It seems like it has been a long time since I've had this much anxiety. The only thing I can hope is that by going into work and facing the day I can make this anxiety demon disappear. Right now though I just want to crawl under the covers and spend another day hiding from the world. I will just have to reach in and find some inner strength.

I had an urge to run off and go to Ajahn Brahm's monastery in Australia. That won't be happening any time soon. Ajahn Brahm got himself into a little bit of trouble when he ordained a group of Bhikunis. Even Buddhism has its controversies. I listened to an interesting talk from the BSWA website on the ordination of women and the role of women in the monastic sense.
I don't know how to link to the video so I will have to find someone to teach me and post it later.

I am quite satisfied with the progress I have made in the quitting smoking department. I have blipped a couple of times but I am confident that this time I will definitely quit. I recently cut the dosage of the patch I am wearing and perhaps that is contributing to my anxiety level. I guess no matter what I do, I have to face the withdrawals sooner or later. All I know is that I would be flattened if not for the patch.

Monday night is meeting night. I am going to tell everyone how I have been feeling because that is what you are supposed to do at a meeting. My habit is to tell everyone that I am ok but that is not really true right now. I am sure that this will all pass but in the meantime it is uncomfortable as all hell.

I restarted my diet yesterday. I joined the Biggest Loser Club. I'll keep trying different things until I find something that works. This diet gives me a menu plan to follow so maybe, just maybe, that will help me. I read recently that making an overall lifestyle change is better than just trying to make one small change at a time. I'll go with that.

Well...must...face...day...

"Without concern for results,

perform the necessary action;

surrendering all attachments,

accomplish life's highest good."

"The wise man lets go of all results, whether good or bad, and is focused on the action alone. Yoga is skill in actions."

-The Baghavad Gita

In AA there is a concept of doing the action or work and leaving the results up to God. It is a hard one to put into practice. And there is a certain amount of balance that is needed. If I go on a diet, I expect to lose weight. But if I keep craving the desired result I drive myself absolutely batty when I don't get what I want. I know somehow that I need to let go of some of my obsession. I want the healthy diet thing to recede into the background (not disappearing) and I want to think less about how I look. The more I obsess, the more I do things to sabotage my efforts. And I get a result all right, just not the result that I am hoping for. I spend more time thinking about eating right and exercising than I do actually getting something done. Then I berate myself for slipping.

"If you want to be truly free, perform all actions as worship." - another quote from the Baghavad Gita

Maybe a good way to approach this is to view my body as a temple that I must care for reverentially. In many ways I have a good body that can do many things. I am relatively healthy and have a lot to be grateful for. It is really superficial of me to judge myself on how I look. Concentrating on how I feel might be a better way to go. If I eat good food and leave the junk alone, I feel much better. Perhaps eating a bunch of junk food is a form of self-punishment for who knows what. I do not feel very good after such a binge. Samskaras, those tendencies that exist in each of us, can be very strong and difficult to overcome. My addictive nature prompts me to look for some substance to ease whatever anxiety or boredom or depression arises. That substance has become food, junk food and coffee. However, I shouldn't view my attempts as futile. After all, I was able to quit smoking and that was something I wasn't able to do in the past. That is one victory for me.

"On this path no effort is wasted, no gain is ever reversed; even a little of this practice will shelter you from great sorrow." - The Baghavad Gita

Even when I feel there is no progress, I must believe that it is there. Some days things do go smoothly and I perform the necessary actions. Another tendency I have is to want immediate results. If my diet is good one day and I exercise then I don't understand why I haven't lost 50 lbs. I know it is illogical. It is continued effort that brings results.

I will meditate now on what I have written and try to make my effort an act of worship. Here to one more new start. At some point everything has got to come together. Amen.

It's a New Day

I don't feel quite so gloomy this morning. As I said last night, my emotional states are impermanent. I don't feel like doing back flips but I will get through another day. I do have a faith that no matter what, everything will resolve itself in its own due time.

This is a dark and gloomy picture kind of like how I feel right now. It is amazing to me how quickly my emotions can turn. I was in the moment, enjoying taking pictures of the sky before and after sunset. I excitedly looked at my work and wondered at what I had learned with my camera. Then it happened. My balloon was popped and it is all I can do not to go to my room and go to bed and shut everything out. I may just do that before too long. But I must remember too that all mind states are impermanent. Just as happiness is fleeting, so is depression. Equanimity is where it's at. I can't imagine what that means right now. For me in this moment of time, equanimity is the absence of caring and I know that is not right. I am such an emotional being. Whatever I feel is intense and feels like it will last forever. If I am happy, I will be happy forever. If I am sad and anguished, I will be sad and anguished forever. Sometimes life is hard. Maybe not so much in actuality but I can make it seem hard. Tomorrow is another day and I am as strong as I have ever been.

I can sense displeasure in other people, especially when I am the source of displeasure. I often compare myself to Deanna Troi in Star Trek. You gotta love those corny Star Trek references. Other people's states can affect my own especially when I want everyone to be happy. When people aren't happy, I start to worry about the future and what it will bring. And I don't know what to do.

Step One

Step One from Alcoholics Anonymous' Twelve Steps states "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable". Very many different groups adapt these steps to whatever is troubling them from drug use, overeating, gambling, emotions, etc. The idea is that in admitting powerlessness we gain power from a power greater than ourselves and we are able to quit whatever troublesome behaviour is plaguing us. The rest of the steps gives us the tools to accomplish this. I know that this process can work because I did quit drinking and used the steps to find a healthier way to live. I also know that other addictions can come to fill the "addiction void". Though preferable to the damage done by drinking, my food addiction has been driving me absolutely bonkers for quite some time now. The one thing that gives me hope is that I have been able to quit smoking despite many previous attempts to quit. I keep hoping that I will eventually "get it" and eating healthfully will come easily and everything will fall into place. Right now I want to wrap myself inside a blanket (to cover my chubbiness) and hide from the world. I have admitted Step One over and over and over again. I was always good at Step One. It is Steps Two and Three that give me grief. But I did quit smoking! For me in this food context, Step Two entails believing that I can eat healthily, exercise and lose weight. Step Three is deciding to do what is necessary to accomplish this. At meetings I have heard this little parable: If a frog decides to jump off the log into the water, where is he? Answer: Still on the log of course. He has only decided. He hasn't taken action. Bring on the rest of the program.