Tuesday, November 2, 2010

"We, in turn, sought the same escape with all the desperation of drowning men. What seemed at first a flimsy reed, has proved to be the loving and powerful hand of God." -Big Book page 28

It has been about 10 months since my last post. A lot has happened in that time and in a way it seems that I have not made much progress. I know on the surface that is how it looks but I have to believe that inside, where it counts, changes have been made. I haven't been to OA for a long time. I took a hiatus from AA and have only been back the past 4 weeks. I haven't worked since August. 2010 has been the year that my bipolar disorder has acted up. I have had a number of breakdowns this year. But these things happen in life and they are opportunities to learn something vitally important. My self worth is not measured by what job I do or how much I earn. My self worth is not measured by the size of my waist. I am not less than or greater than any other individual. We are all part of God's love and he will take care of us if we look inside to find him. In 2001, my life's circumstances were more dire. I joined AA then and decided that if I were to live then I had to put one foot in front of the other and march on. I had no idea what the outcome would be but my choice to live meant living with uncertainty and a faith that all would work out in the end. Things did improve. I met someone that I now live with. Our relationship has been steady and loving. My children and grandchildren are doing well. In many respects my life is good and I have much to be grateful for. As far as what is not going so smoothly, I can admit that that part of my life is unmanageable and seek direction. Answers don't always come when I want them and patience is another lesson that I need to learn. I also have learned that when I make plans and my emotional self is tied up to the outcome, I am distressed. AA teaches us to Let Go and Let God, to take life one day at a time and have faith that our efforts will yield results. We are promised a spiritual awakening as a result of the 12 steps. The promises as stated on page 83 of the Big Book give us hope:
"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Sel-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic security will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves."

No comments:

Post a Comment